I had trouble sleeping last night. That cold I was fighting two weeks ago is starting to re-emerge, so I took some cold medicine at about 8pm. Sometimes that stuff knocks me out -- and sometimes it does what it did last night, and makes me wired.
It took me a while to get to sleep. And then I kept waking up. And a few times, my brain really got on a roll, thinking about work. Training 8 people to do the same job is a really big challenge for me. I'm used to training one person at a time. And I'm far enough along now that I'm starting to lose track of who I told what to. So last night I had this running dialogue in my head, I've got to tell Chris about the landing page spreadsheet, and Greg needs to know about the server promo communication that Evelyn sends out, and I need to assign a practice project to Veronica when she gets back from vacation...
At about 3am, my brain was plugging along on that thought train when BAM. A set of bright blue eyes flashed across my mind. A vision of my daughter's sweet face. Out of nowhere, at 3am, I was missing her so much my spirit threatened to wrench itself from my body to go find her.
Work is a really good distraction for me. A lot of you ask how I can juggle so much, and the answer is I need to. It keeps me from obsessing about my loss.
But sometimes my loss is a distraction from the obsession of work as well. It gives me perspective, for sure. I don't think I'm even capable of thinking that work is my life anymore. Not when I've been shown what life is really about.
Last night, thinking about my lost daughter as I lay there unable to sleep, I got a big dose of perspective. There is no reason to stress out about work. No reason. Especially not at 3am. Work isn't going to hug me in the morning. It's not going to sing me the Spiderman theme song. It's not going to dance around the living room. My daughter did that -- and my future children will do that. Work allows Jeremy and I to live the lifestyle we do, and work gives me a distraction during this painful part of my life. But work is not, and never will be, my life.
All the things that are happening in my work -- at all of my jobs -- are interesting, exciting and the good kind of stressful. But no matter how much I talk about work in this blog, be assured I've got my priorities straight. Last night was date night with my husband and I did not work. Sunday was a day with family and I did not work.
Even when my life feels a little aimless, or I'm being pulled in ten directions, if I get a bird's eye view I can always see the end goal. At the end of it all, she's there waiting.